MY LIFE

Love. Is that what i crave?
If it is,than why can't i find it?
Hate. Does that mean anger?
If it is, then why do i feel hollow?
Pain. Does that mean suffering?
If it is, then why does is feel consorting?
Memories, are they not images of the past?
If it are, why is there only shadows?
Smiles, does that mean happiness?
If it does, then why does it hurt?
Life, what does it mean?
Should it mean any of these things?
If it doesn't, then why are they there?

THAT IS MY LIFE.

I was born in Ukraine , Russia. My father died when I was a year old; my mother went crazy turning to drugs and alcohol for comfort. She blamed me for everything that happened, even my father's death. This woman I called a mother ripped out my heart, taking with it my ability to love her. I needed her more than once yet she turned a blind eye to me and turned to self pity. She remarried five times. Four out of five of these grown men molested me, a small child of 2-4 years old. I was taken into an orphanage when I was four and a half, this place was located in Russia. This place was horrible, on the outside it was beautiful, living inside it seems like your soul was sold to the devil. I was all alone, no one paid attention to me. I rarely ate, I cried myself to sleep at night, and I was bullied out of proportion. I hate fish now because of the food they served. I was adopted at nine and went to school back in Italy. The kids at school always bullied me because I was nice to others. I was especially bullied by the girls because they were jealous of the attention I was receiving from the male population of the school. Its been hard to live peacefully with myself even when I got my new family. I still suffer from time to time because I where a mask in front of everyone to not let history repeat itself. I am glad for the friends even though some don't even know me like a few do. I have 1 best friend who knows the real me. It's cold in Idaho even though it's spring, it rained all day today. Life is hard to cope with all the boy drama or the loosing friends but I'll cope and hold onto my real friends.